Staring into the valley ...

As I write this, I’m listening to songs played at Karen’s memorial service. I’ve avoided these songs like I’ve avoided most things that remind me of her no longer being here. The children heard these songs coming from my office and immediately sensed something and Matthew came bearing tissues. Children are awesome! They didn’t say a word as the songs played. They were just there.

Looking over previous entries in my journal, I can see where God has been prompting me to begin the process of clearing out Karen’s things but I have avoided it at every turn. I feel as if God is saying to me I’m patiently waiting to show you what I have for you next but you must do this first.

The grief process is very personal to each one of us and I firmly believe (despite some conventional thinking) there is not a “one size fit’s all” way to go about it. There is no timeline or a series of must be followed steps. However, I do believe you can delay or stop your personal processing of grief and loss if you aren’t vigilant. I have done that. I have reached a spot where I’m comfortable and don’t really care about moving on.

I’ve prayerfully set a self imposed timeline to close out this blog by July 4, 2008. As some know, that is the anniversary of my first outing with just Karen. Why this date? One of my nephews just celebrated his 18th birthday. I was deeply struck with how precious time is and how I should be seizing every moment to the fullest extent possible.

You see that nephew is now a strapping young man with all his life before him. He was just a month old when Karen and I began our courtship. I recall clearly holding him in my arms when I was just 18 years old. Now 36, I’ve lived to be twice that age. Even still, my whole life is still before me, I simply have to be willing to embrace it.

It seems as if only yesterday I could reach out and hold Karen’s hand, smell her hair or just hear her voice. Yet it’s been more than 7 months. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I haven’t been a good steward of my time and spent wisely or not, time waits for no one for any reason.

I plan to spend the next month pulling together all my notes and thoughts of those last moments with Karen and make one final posting to this blog. The challenge will be my not wanting to open up those now dusty boxes of emotions that I’ve intentionally pushed to the deepest parts of me.

I operate best on timelines in a world of loose structure. So I’m asking two things of everyone who reads this blog and faithfully lifts our family up in prayer.

1. Continue to pray as often as God places our family on our heart.
2. Hold me accountable. I’m asking so don’t be shy. If there hasn’t been a final posting by July 4, 2008 write, call me, email me, NAG ME. I’m giving you permission.

Pray for me as I enter what I know will be a difficult journey back into one of the deepest valley’s I have ever walked. The obvious question, “Why not just let this be?” The answer is I’m certain it’s necessary and will force me to move forward in my grief so that I can be where God desires me to be instead of where I want to be.

Until then …