Clarification

I feel I may have sent the wrong message to some of you. In closing this blog, I’m not rushing to get “over” the emotions raging in my heart and mind. I want to be in a different place than I am right now. I also like the comfort of where I am right now. You can have both but only to a degree. I deeply appreciate the feedback and counsel to take all the time I need but I know this isn’t where God wants me to be for as long as I would be comfortable to be here.

The best picture I can draw for those concerned that I’m pushing myself too hard, is teaching my daughter to swim last year. Rachel is the oldest of the children to learn to swim at 6 years old. She could dog paddle, hold her breath and had the basic skills needed to move on. She was afraid. I watched as the older children played games in the deep end that she really wanted to join in. She wanted to be there but was too afraid to let go. I tried various tactics with her to no avail. She wouldn’t let go.

Wanting her to enjoy where she could be rather than where she was I broke almost every rule in teaching someone to swim. I picked her up and asked do you trust me? She said yes, with that I held her out over the deep end of the pool and against her pleas I let her go. She bobbed back up just like I knew she would and when she got over my letting her go, realized she was swimming and never looked back. There are times in our lives that make indelible marks. That night after she finished her bath she came up to me, hugged me and thanked me for teaching her to swim. Her exact words were “Thank you daddy for throwing me in.”

Karen knew me well, the best actually. She knew I can be a creature of extreme habit. She gently and not so gently sometimes told me not to get so comfortable in what we had that I stop growing. I don’t question why Karen isn’t here. To be certain I’m extremely grieved that I can’t be with her, so grieved I struggle for the words. At the same time I take comfort knowing God is in complete control and though the storm circles around me at times I must stay the course.

The timeline I set of 04 July 2008 was simply for the blog nothing else. I feel God’s nudging to tell the story of Karen’s last days before I can move on to other emotions. To me it’s a beautifully painful story of God’s grace, forgiveness and majesty.

Thank you Lord for loving me where I am and daily encouraging me to grow … thank You for throwing me in the deep end…