April 5, 2008
To everyone who reads this blog and keeps up with our family please accept my apology. You’ve probably checked it expecting me to have completed the story or a least posted more of the story of Karen’s last moments here since that’s what I said I was going to do. I need to finish the blog for many reasons but honestly I’ve been hiding out emotionally.
I’m only too glad to have my plate full and overflowing because it means I don’t have to deal with the blog, the closets or drawers that have Karen’s things in them. I don’t want to stay where I am (emotionally) but I don’t want to move on either. I feel God nudging me along reminding me these “things” must be processed and not doing it simply delays what must be done and it’s not healthy. Frankly most days I don’t care. I don’t care what I look like, if the bed’s made or if I eat. Leading the children daily keeps things in perspective at least physically. I can’t in good conscience bark at the children for not combing their hair or making their beds if I don’t lead by example. I care deeply about the children, their well being and happiness. Their needs are what drive me on. I don’t regret having five of them even for a second. I am richly blessed.
Those that know me at all know that I’m a complete neat freak. Confession: The room that Karen and I shared as sewing / office looks like a disaster area. I’ve let things just pile up. Aside from the stacks upon stacks of things that have been added since her passing, the room is just as it was when she went to the hospital for the last time. Unopened mail, half written thank you notes, unread books are just a few of the items piled up. Her words, “Don’t let my machines and fabric sit around and collect dust” haunt me at times. I simply lack the ability at this point to deal with the emotion of giving those things away to good homes. Again my own words speak to me as the example I should follow. I’m always after the children about stewardship and not storing things on this earth where moth, rust and thieves can steal and destroy.
Maybe it would be easier if I weren’t married to my best friend. Maybe easier if we couldn’t finish each others sentences. Maybe easier if after being removed for two months my ring finger didn’t still sport a perfect impression of where my wedding ring was proudly worn. Maybe it’s the beginning of another season without her here to share it with. Of one thing I am certain with every fiber of my being, I know God has a plan for me and the children and none of what’s going on in our lives has caught Him by surprise.
Dealing with the earthly loss of someone so dear is a process and I’ve purposely stopped it cold in some areas. I know what I need to do. Please pray for the ability to do it. Please pray that I will begin each day with purpose instead of just bumping along with the day as it comes. I remain delighted for Karen’s healing from cancer, but I’m still deeply struggling with her absence. I miss her like crazy.
I make no commitments on the next update but unless the Lord calls me Home, I will finish what I’ve started.
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11 comments:
The Isherwood family is in our hearts and prayers. With our love-t.p.
We love you all and pray for you daily, and often many times a day. The hardest thing about a process for me is that it can't be sped up, but must be lived through. "Thank You, Precious Savior, that You are at work even when we feel stuck!"
We love you all. The Walker family
Darren,
I can't imagine how you must feel or what it is like to lose your best friend. I do know that God loves you and that you have 5 wonderful children that you and Karen made together with love and they need their DAD! Hang in there and I lift you up and know that God is there for you and your family!
Thank you for the emotional energy it took to write this update. We think of you and the children and lift you up in prayer.... I can't imagine what its like to lose your best friend... Rest in Him.....Cindy
Dearest Darren,
I know exactly how u are feeling...my children were my life line at that time in my grieving process...widowhood is so very difficult especially when truly in our heart of hearts it was our best friend and soulmate that has passed to a better life with our Lord....The children will continue to be your LIGHT in this life...I lift u and your children up in prayer each day....Live for each moment...taking it one step at a time....if u just do a little bit each day....u will feel like u have accomplished something and not be so overwhelmed with your stacks and stacks ...Keep your faith and trust in our gracious savior..he is in control....my email is ewm60@yahoo.com if at anytime u would like to share with someone who has walked in your shoes...I would be happy to listen and read your words....With christian friendship in widowhood, an angel of prayer in KC,MO Jen Miller
First of all, there is no need for an apology, Darren...to say that you have a lot on your plate would be an understatement of enormous proportion.
Secondly, you are not alone! God will neither leave you nor forsake you, or your children, He has given you and them (and me) that promise. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that fact myself, as I find I'm bumping along as well...just trying to keep afloat.
As you know, some days are better than others. Some days are "good", so to speak, meaning no major emotional roller coasters; some are hard, and some are seemingly unbearable.
This, grief, is something we must deal with one day at a time. I don't believe it's something we get over, I believe it's something we get through...by the grace of God. I agree with Kristen, in that it's a process that must be lived through...One Day At A Time. We can't expect anything more than that, and putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves will only serve to make things more difficult in the long run.
Know that you're in my/our thoughts and prayers and most of all that...
WE LOVE YOU!
♥ Leslie...and the rest of the Alaska Crew
Take your time! Do what's right for YOU and your family.
I'm so sorry you're hurting -- I'll check back for updates.
Dear Darren,
I have been reading your updates with my mom. I know it is very hard for you to write about your loss. We will continually pray for you and your family for the Lord to help guide you through this hard time! Tell your kids that we said hello, and we hope to see them in September as usual. God bless you!
Dora Stroup
age 11
I'm praying for you and the children Darren. And I think of you often. I catch up from time to time with Leslie. Maybe you should store Karen's sewing things for the girls. God bless you all!
Still thinking of you and praying for you. You're right that this is a process. And it's ok that it takes a while. You will be able to do what you know you have to do when the time is right for you. Don't push yourself into creating any more pain than you're experiencing right now by doing the things you need to before you're ready. I lost my Mother who was 59 to Leukemia 2 years & 4 months ago. We were very close and losing her tore me up so bad inside. I've never known that kind of pain and it has been such a process. I can't even imagine what it would like to be in your shoes. It has to be 10 times harder or worse when it's your spouse and you have young children together. I am just now to a point of beginning to feel that I've accepted it. It's not as painful on a daily basis. My heart still aches for not having her in mine or my children's lives. But I've learned to enjoy life again the way I know she would want me to. I've learned to smile instead of cry (most of the time) when I look at her pictures or hold things that belonged to her. My heart goes out to you and I will keep praying for you. You have a very long road ahead of you. One day at a time is all you can do. Time is the ultimate healer. But it will take much longer than you wish it would to feel better and to function better. It's a token of your strong feelings for Karen. And it's ok for now. Hang in there. It will get easier. I know it doesn't feel like it and it won't for a while. Hold strong to your faith. One good thing that did happen in my loss is that my faith became stronger than ever. And I know Mom would be so proud. God bless you and your children. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Leisa
I was directed to your post by Marilyn, after a friend lost her husband suddenly a couple of days ago. I am so very sorry for your loss, and my heart aches for you, especially because your description of your marriage and partnership is exactly how I would describe mine.
You and your family are in my prayers.
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