Stuck….

I’m shelving my planned post for a while. Preparing the post of the final days of Karen’s life here on earth has left me overwhelmed with emotions that I thought I had moved past. I’m stuck between my life now as a widowed dad of five and my life as a husband with children. I don’t want to move on. I want to be Karen’s husband. I want to be with my best friend. Things that bring comfort also bring painful memories of what I no longer have. Every room of our house that she made into a home is filled with memories of her. The cross-stitched pictures, clothes the children wear, shades on the windows, the muffins and other baked goods in the freezer all handmade by her. Even the tool shed, which houses things that were of no interest to Karen, brings back memories because I still remember painting it with her right by my side. It’s as if she could walk back into our lives at any moment. I know she will not return, but oh do I long for it sometimes.

I feel certain these emotions will fade into happy and fond memories but right now they are painful reminders. We were content to be together. To simply be in each other’s company, no matter what we were doing, brought us great joy. When I see families together or even an elderly couple, a smile comes to my face but my heart and mind are flooded with thoughts and emotions. I’m not jealous, at least I don’t feel that I am, I just feel lost, lonely and like half of me is missing.

The needs of the children drag me out of the past and back into the present. Don’t misunderstand, I love my children more than anything and will do all within my abilities to provide a home filled with love but I just can’t shake the strong feeling of what I don’t have. I’m discouraged by how long it takes me to do something. For instance a small task that should take a few minutes can take me 30 minutes, because I’ll open a drawer or closet and there are the memories. Stuff I looked past just six weeks ago now runs me over like a runaway freight train. This past week, I have found myself more overwhelmed by Karen not being here than any other time thus far including the time of her death. Dear and generous friends have asked for simple things like what do the children want for Christmas. I find myself wanting to answer their mother! The thought of spending another holiday without her by my side is daunting.

Shortly after Karen’s dad unexpectedly passed away at 59, I told her mother who was experiencing similar emotions that I am right now, not to look back too often. I compared her new walk without her husband of over three decades to “driving through life”. When you’re driving it’s important to keep your eyes on the road ahead most of the time, pausing only briefly to check the review mirrors. If you drive with your eyes completely in the review mirrors you’ll really mess things up. She graciously reminded me of this recently and it is an effective mindset to process grief. I use the word process because I’m learning first hand that grief comes in stages and over a period of time. I thought I should be able to “handle” the grief and move on. After all Karen is healthy, happy and in the presence of God. Who wouldn’t want that for their loved one? If only I could say to the swell of emotions that come unexpectedly, not now Grief I’m busy, but I’ll check my schedule and let you know a good time for me. Ah yes, next Wednesday between 0800-0900 work for me let’s agree to meet then.

I’m so thankful for the time I had with Karen and her approach to difficult times. She would tell me not to look back. “It’s done, accept this is where you are; now your job is to learn, love and live a life that is honoring to God.” I know this to be a good approach because this is how she taught our family to view cancer. She taught us so much more with her actions and deeds than anything that came from her lips.

So there you have it, the real reason I haven’t posted an update, but I will in time. God is good, He has a plan and we’re in it.

Until next time…